Black Lives Do Matter, Even for Privileged White Parents

“He won’t listen to me, I’ll call him but you need to call him”. The voice on the other end of the phone stern, with a “wait until your father gets home” tone, fraught with worry and activated concern was coming from 6ft blonde, stunningly beautiful former Fox News anchor, Laurie Dhue. She was talking about our son, our black son, who had just posted an incendiary comment about the latest young black man gunned down by police. Laurie wanted the post down, and really so did I, and not because we thought Andrew did anything wrong but because it causes us more worry than it should and that worry is real. Our kid is taking an interest in politics and social change and as a Jesuit educated young man, he is supposed to do that and have a commitment to social justice. When you’re black in America, the stakes are higher and when you have white parents enjoying white privileges, the whole thing can get muddled into a big family drama. “I don’t disagree, yes, black lives do matter, why do you think we have made so many efforts for your black life”? I found myself saying to Andrew. To a college freshman, being told by your parents to take something off Facebook is met with eye rolling and ridicule, typical and appropriate late adolescent behaviors but is it crazy to ask when nearly 200 young black men have been killed by police in 2016?

Student protest is nothing new, it’s something I fully support, standing up and being heard, working to right wrongs, and striving for social justice are all values instilled by the Jesuit education with which Andrew has been blessed. His participation in activism is what he is educated to do. I never realized that part of white privilege is sending your kid off to an elite university without worrying about them being shot. Of course all parents worry and parents of freshmen worry acutely with the newness of a child stepping into the world but suburban white people don’t have to worry about their suburban white son being shot by police walking back to his dorm carrying “something” that “looked like a gun”. White parents don’t worry about their white son being tagged as a “militant” for participating in campus politics. White parents of white children don’t have the achievement of elite university acceptance tarnished by the unspoken assumption that he was admitted to fill some quota. “Oh, well, sure he got in” with the unspoken “because he’s black”. Of course elite universities are looking for black students but the 4.0 and AP courses don’t hurt either. White parents do have to worry about drunk and inappropriate sexual activity but not at the same level as parents of black boys. Any misstep and the consequences can be life altering. I sent Andrew an app called “we consent”. It documents that any sexual activity was consensual. I was relieved when he said “I downloaded the app”. “Good, use it” was my reply. A big believer in generational boundaries I don’t want to hear any dorm gossip of who is sleeping with whom but I want to do what I can to negotiate these early days free of exploding land mines. All parents should worry about the binge drinking blurry boundary undergrad culture that can lead to severe consequences but I promise, suburban white parents don’t have the the same stakes Laurie and I have with Andrew. When you’re black in America, you don’t have to actually do anything to be found guilty of something. All that has to happen is a white person has to say you’re guilty. Take a look at “To Kill a Mockingbird” for an example.

Here’s The Paranoid Liberal Problem, Clashing with Realistic Concern

Maybe I’m a paranoid liberal? It’s possible. I’m a walking cliche, I live in Brooklyn, I’m divorced, I write a blog, I live among hipsters and they cheer me on at Soul Cycle like they would their own dad. We dwell among cold brew coffee and artisanal crafted everything. When Andrew first came into our lives, I made big bold statements at his his high school, St. Francis Xavier in NYC, about racism and equality. A wise Jesuit priest said “let’s worry about algebra for now”. For some reason, I didn’t worry too much about Andrew in NYC. For 12 hours a day he was at Xavier, a rigorous boys Catholic School comprised of more than 1/2 non white boys, more than 1/2 non Catholic and the first Catholic school to offer the “gay/straight alliance” as one of the student organizations. Xavier is as diverse as NYC and as committed to an egalitarian environment as there can be. Our limousine liberal Brooklyn neighborhood tapped into my ego with constant congratulatory adulation at our eclectic family. Andrew’s admission to Georgetown was the crowning achievement that made a powerball odds idea, a reality. Then we are left with the current climate of race relations in America.

When blow hard boorish embodiment of American stupidity, Donald Trump, speaks about black people, white privilege allows for easy tune out of his comments. Not so when you think “hey that hooker-marrying-spray-tanned wing nut is talking about my kid”. Trump’s rhetoric is made more insulting by his “show us your papers, boy” mission to find Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Mitt Romney’s family was deeply involved in a fundamentalist sect of Mormonism in Mexico and yet, no call for Romney’s birth certificate from Trump. Do any of us really know where Romney was born? Why didn’t Trump investigate? Listening to Trump talk about black people in a room full of white people leads me to want to scream “9/10 of the poorest, most welfare dependent states with highest rates of gun violence vote for YOU!” Why is there no mention of social problems among white communities? We love talking about “the inner city”. While ignoring that white communities have similar problems as some black communities. Where is the “inner city” anyway?

Some years back, Obama said “if I had a son, he would have looked like Trayvon”. I have two boys, neither of them look like me. Nobody looks at Andrew and says “I’ll bet he does well at Georgetown” they say “does he have a gun?” “Should we call the police?” “Is he going to rob me?” Worried? You bet we are and with good reason. One of the things that white privilege allows is the denial of white privilege. Think it’s not real? Adopt a black kid and find out.

Recovery Rangers

It’s national recovery month, you must have seen the news coverage. You didn’t? That’s because there isn’t any. For a condition that has plagued man since forever, that has destroyed families and communities, and spawned an us winnable drug war, we as a culture, don’t pay much attention to the reverse side of the addiction coin. Recovery. Consider that the NFL wears pink cleats for breast cancer, and well they should, but where is the support for the issue of addiction and recovery? In a small but very important way, it’s alive and well in the Texas Rangers clubhouse.
Recovery Rangers
I have long regarded the Texas Rangers as the top sports franchise for recovery. While I have tried to ask why, I haven’t had much luck with a sit down with team head honcho, Nolan Ryan. Some years back, the Rangers manager, Ron Washington, tested positive for cocaine in a routine drug screening. He promptly issued a statement and gave his resignation to the Rangers. It was then that the Rangers demonstrated their understanding of addiction. Nolan Ryan rejected the resignation of Washington and opted to work with him. It was a bold statement of compassion and understanding of how addiction works and how recovery can work.

Supporting Team Members During Addiction Recovery

The Rangers won the AL West and it was met with the usual dog-pile merriment. It’s a major accomplishment, it might be one of the hardest things in sports to accomplish. Among the Rangers current roster are Jeremy Jeffress and Matt Bush, two young guys who are recovering alcoholics. In a bold move and departure from the usual callus disenfranchisement of alcoholics, the Rangers went the opposite way buy supporting Bush and Jeffress and their recovery. Instead of spraying champagne, the Rangers opted for ginger ale, a small but important gesture. There are two outcomes if the Rangers didn’t support these two, relapse or isolation. Bush and Jeffress would have either been swept up into the group norm of drinking or they would have sat isolated from the rest of the team.

Sports is a powerful system. It has the power to shift the culture in many directions. The recent media frenzy over Colin Kaepernick shows just what a loud voice sports has in American life. The sports world is rife with is sure regarding alcohol and other drug use, it’s a daily occurrence if one looks. Seldom, if ever, do we see the victories and that’s too bad. Additionally, we don’t see nearly enough of good drug and alcohol policy that can genuinely help people. MLB has pink bats for breast cancer, they are major participants in “stand up to cancer”, almost every night at an MLB stadium has some kind of advocacy attached to it. I have been to “dog day” at the Mets home Citi field to raise money for shelters, autism speaks, special olympics, veterans causes, all noble and worthy endeavors, but what about recovery? Why isn’t there a night for recovery month at any MLB park?

While they may not know, the Texas Rangers are the top team in all of sports for dealing with issues of addiction and recovery. They have shown they support people who are actively using and those who are in recovery and want to stay there. When a public system like a professional sports franchise is faced with issues and recovery, often times they spin the issue until it dies a news death. That needs to stop and the Texas Rangers are leading the way. Well done to Bush and Jeffress and well done to the Rangers. Should they win the World Series I hope they make a very big deal out of showering each other with ginger ale instead of champagne.

Recovery Madness. Can Recovery and Legalization Coexist?

“Recovery” is a broad definition but only if you look. On the surface, the accepted cultural definition is “totally abstinent person in AA”. As an added bonus “became a drug counselor and now helps others”. It’s a beautiful story and representative of almost nobody, there are a few outliers and exceptions but for the most part, that story is a cliched folk lore. Abstinence is a nice ideal, especially for the people around the individual who “needs to be sober” but in the grand scheme, like most ideals, it’s rare. The recovery community is much like the tea party, rigid, opposed to science, locked in their beliefs with no room for interpretation. When the framers wrote the constitution “we the people” meant “we the white male people” it’s been centuries and many growing pains to expand that definition to include everyone else. Recovery is the same. At the moment “recovery community” means “totally abstinent folks in AA” While AA claims “2 million members”, SAMHSA says “20 million Americans are in recovery”. Who are these other 18 million people?

Founded in the 1930s AA has changed little if at all since then. The beat goes on, knowledge has increased, medications can help, other forms of treatment exist but AA remains it’s stagnant and judgemental self. The reliance on a “spiritual shift” and denial of “requiring a belief in God” is but one of the holes through which one could drive a truck. There are many others and yet millions claim AA saved their life, the great irony is, I am one of them. AA has been a great experience and organization for me to which I owe much. One of the things I think I owe AA is unmerciful honesty and the truth is, AA is like the orthodox Jewish enclave on the south side of the Williamsburg bridge, the difference being, Williamsburg Jews aren’t claiming their way of life is the only way of life. So while AA works for me, that doesn’t mean it works or can work for all. I’m also a devout Catholic but 700 million Hindus don’t quite see it my way. They aren’t wrong and neither am I. At the moment, AA sits in judgement and futility, effectively asking millions of Hindus to join their party and believe that a virgin gave birth to God.

Marijuana Legalization and Harm Reduction

One of the cultural trends in the recovery community is to demonize legalization of marijuana. It’s like folks who are pro life, rather than focusing on how to reduce abortions, they chose to focus efforts on criminalizing abortions. Same with drug policy. The truth is, we could reduce the use of lethal dose substances with the legalization of a substance with no known lethal dose. Whatever one thinks of marijuana, it is categorically not crime. Like skateboarding, “weed is not a crime”. Maybe it’s a good health decision for some conditions, maybe it’s not but crime it’s not. Maybe people like to get high and like Pope Francis “who am I to judge?”.

20 years ago, I gave up intoxication in all forms. It was the right choice for me although there are days I wonder if that is true. While Monday morning quarterbacking goes nowhere, I can say that I have had an amazing life, rife with adventure, fun, highs and lows. In terms of lives, mine is a great one, far from perfect as the average 12 stepper will claim, but I have much for which to be grateful and I am. One of the hardest aspects of my weird life is having to watch people knuckle under to the plague of heroin addiction. It’s heart wrenching as anyone who has experienced will tell you. The hopes of “being better” with the rug pulled from under the hope. Sadly, many don’t make it out of the mire of opiate addiction. I have experienced it, I’ve watched people drink themselves to death and then listened to the “danger” of a dispensary rhetoric with no mention of a bar. Huh? What did I miss? In America, 120 people a day drop dead of an overdose, ZERO of them while using cannabis. Where is the compassion of the recovery community? Where is the advocacy for saving lives even if ones version of recovery doesn’t match mine?

Rehabs are largely AA indoctrination camps, while some are progressing away from the act of providence model, most aren’t. Patients are told 12 step life is their way out and while it may be for some, for most it isn’t. On the off chance that someone finds their way into an AA meeting post treatment, he likelihood that they stabilize for life is negligible. There are land mines all over AA, one of them is finding a sponsor who refutes medication. “My sponsor says I have to come off my medication” is an all too familiar refrain I have heard often times from young guys looking for leadership. “Your sponsor? The plumber? Tell your sponsor you’ll follow advice of your doctor, the doctor” is my general response.

Harm minimization is the kryponite of the AA zealot. They hate it. It’s counter to their deeply held belief but the truth is, harm minimization saves lives. If someone shoots dope, binge drinks, or is caught in the holy trinity of death: cocaine, Xanax, and alcohol, and they switch to and maintain with marijuana, that’s a big win in my world. Who among us who has lost someone to addiction wouldn’t take that person back if they maintained with marijuana?

The recovery community needs to face some realities. Marijuana legalization is here and demonize get it wont change that. It’s also time to be honest about the potential strength that marijuana has to be an exit drug, exit from the looming death of egregious drug use. As an interventionist and a person in long term recovery, I am supposed to follow the herd and hammer the belief that total abstinence is always the goal but I won’t do that. It may be the best for some, others may benefit from an interim step on the way to total abstinence. As always, all drug policy is effective to the degree that it is infused with honesty. The honesty is, legalization is good drug policy at a macro and micro level.

Paul LePage: Government Archie Bunker

This much is true, Paul LePage, governor of Maine has likely had better weeks. The stanch conservative governor has a reputation of having the tact and demeanor, not to mention the beliefs, of Archie Bunker. LePage is riddled with cartoons. He is an overblown embodiment of a racist republican blowhard, verbalizing what liberals surmise people like Lepage are thinking. Governor LePage ditches pesky euphemisms and just lobs grenades anywhere he can. It’s what makes him oddly endearing.

Last October, the governor made national news when he was lamenting all the”drug dealers from New York delivering heroin and impregnating white girls” to his beloved Maine. Lepage became America’s filter-less uncle embarrassing us at a holiday dinner while trying to impress a new girlfriend. His press office scurried about to come up with a statement but what can you say after a statement like that?

Read the rest of this article on EpicTimes.com.

Strawberry Field of Dreams

Nothing turns off an addict like feeling judged and nothing fuels active using like shame. So why is it that those are the main arrows in the quiver? A well meaning Darrel Strawberry made some very inflammatory comments about Doc Gooden, and while the intention may have been “tough love” my sense of this is, it didn’t help.
Darrel Strawberry & Doc Gooden

The Pathology of Addiction

After Gooden missed a personal appearance, Strawberry called Gooden a “complete addict junkie” reinforcing all the negativity that addicted folks are bad people. While the behavior certainly is frustrating, it is the pathology. Expecting someone in active addiction to act differently is like complaining the lake is wet. When someone is in the mire of addiction, their behavior will be poor. That doesn’t mean Gooden should skirt consequence, quite the contrary. It may be the consequence that brings him to a point of being willing to try. What he doesn’t deserve and what won’t help is a public flogging, asking Gooden to wear sac cloth and ashes for his “sin”. Addiction isn’t sin, it’s pathology. Not to mention: “get thee to a nunnery” Mr. Strawberry.

There is no zealot like the converted. One of the problems with modern recovery is that people who have stabilized take leave of empathy and compassion for an evangelical mission. Like the tea party, that road is too narrow for many people. Strawberry sits in judgement of his buddy because he “won’t listen”. That may be true or it may be true that the message Strawberry delivers doesn’t resonate with Gooden.

So what would be better? Compassion goes a long way. “Doc says he missed the event because of a health issue, that is true. My best guess is the health issue of which he speaks is addictive disease. My hope is Doc reaches out for help, if not from me, then from someone”.

Strawberry has a very specific brand of faith based recovery. Which is great, but only if it’s great for you. Often times faith based people feel at odds with science based advocates. The truth is, we are closer than we think. Isn’t scientific inquiry and working toward knowledge a God given gift? Even the AA big book says “we know but a little”. Certainly God would expect man to put in some effort toward understanding.

I don’t think Strawberry meant any harm, I think he meant to help his buddy the best way he knows. More than anything, when public people demonstrate dynamics in a large scale media forum, it offers the culture a chance to have a dialogue. The dialogue here is: what does tough love really do? If it’s the way to go, why are the rates of recovery so abysmal? One of the unyielding tenets of recovery is “when nothing changes, nothing changes” and that’s what we do. We yell, we shame, we judge all with the intent that the addicted person will “come to their senses”. Logic never applies, so stopping that tactic would seem prudent at this point.

Doc Godden has a long history in his sparring with addiction, it’s widely known. What Strawberry did do well was bring the issue into honesty, he didn’t enable and that’s a great strength when trying to slay this beast. One of the best helps is forming an alliance, and “junkie” won’t do that. Strawberry is living in fantasy if he thinks it will.

Ryan Lochte, Booze Just Isn’t For You

Ryan Lochte and Alcohol Abuse In a refreshing respite from Trumps latest gaff, the news cycle was dominated this morning by something else. Unfortunately, it’s was a sad tale of scandal involving Ryan Lochte and two other young men from the U.S. Olympic swim team. Its seems that after some kind of issue at a gas station after a night of partying ended in a fabricated story about being held at gunpoint. A convenient way to sweep poor decisions under the rug and blame bad behavior on a dire economic condition in Brazil. Clearly this was a situation that got out of hand and the intention to get out of it, went awry.

Ryan Lochte’s Pattern of Alcohol Abuse

Lochte has a history of these types of incidents. He has previously been arrested for disorderly conduct and public urination. None of this displays inherent criminality, it’s low level stuff, but as a famous athlete, his stakes are higher and scrutiny is closer, making the behavior worse. One of the diagnostics for a substance abuse issue is “consequence with a willingness to do it again”. So in other words, if it were a bad decision and a young person learned their lesson, it’s not really pathology, it’s youth. The treatment plan for being 19 is being 25 and we all have to take our lumps with that experience. That’s not what Lochte is facing.

At 32 years old, Lochte no longer gets the latitude of “young and dumb”. There is a clear pattern of things going wrong when alcohol is added to his composition. This latest debacle is part of a larger pattern where Lochte acts in ways he wouldn’t in the absence of drinking and partying. Most concerning in the unfolding story is Lochte seems to have led younger teammates then left them holding the bag. That’s the integrity of someone who is actively impaired with a drinking problem. It’s unlikely, though possible, that Lochte has organic mental illness that would lead him to these situations. It’s more likely that when he drinks, these things can happen. That is what alcoholism is. That’s the definition of it. Most are looking for volume and frequency to explain the pathology and that’s only a small data point. More relevant is what happens when someone drinks.

Finding Help for Alcoholism

At the moment the media is consumed with what happens in Rio. Once this unravels, it’s very likely that the public flogging of Lochte will begin. Does Lochte deserve this? Partially he does, he acted poorly and needs to be held accountable. He also deserves empathy, he meets criteria for alcoholism and that requires treatment and compassion. Shame only fans the flame. Perhaps Lochte should speak with teammate Michael Phelps who, after numerous consequences, went into treatment and it seems to have worked, he’s doing well and is vocal about his recovery.

Were Lochte my son or my charge here is what I would advise he say and do: “I have had numerous consequences when I have been drinking. While I am not asking for my behavior to be excused and am willing to accept the consequences, I will be entering treatment to learn more about my relationship with and reaction to alcohol”. Clear, simple, and appropriate. Give me a call, Ryan, I can help you out.

Being the Dorm Drug Hook-up is a Really Bad Idea

“Drugs” consistently polls as one of the things parents worry about the most. In a short time, legions of young people will head off for the American ritual of going to college and with that experience, all the potential landlines. In the absence of supervision, drug use spikes. While we often give thought to the negative aspects of drug consumption, we may not give much thought to the simple idea that drugs are a commodity. Someone, somewhere produces the products, distributes and sells them. All of which is highly illegal to varying degrees depending on the substance. To add to the complexity, it’s very easy to imagine how a well meaning young person could fall into the trap of becoming the dealer for the dorm or fraternity, though no parent likes to think of their child as “that kid”, someone’s child is.

Dorm Drug Dealer
What starts out as making some extra cash, can quickly become a felony and if caught, that can tag a young person for the rest of their life. The efficacy of this model and even the ethics of it are entirely debatable. Getting caught up in legal entanglements isn’t part of anyone’s hopes and dreams for a college experience. As much as parents worry about the use of drugs, we often lose sight of the sale and distribution but those issues do happen. What does one do if that does happen?

Get legal council immediately. People have rights and drug charges are nothing to play with.
Understand that people who meet criteria for “addiction” are protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. That won’t excuse behaviors, nor should it, but it can help someone get into treatment.
Understand that the legal ramifications is one of the things with which to deal, there are others
“Tough love” is a bad play here. People think of the drug culture as “lessons to learn” it’s not. Thinking “let them sit in jail” won’t help in the long term. Nobody comes out of jail better, often they come out much, much worse
Don’t lose hope, this may have a silver lining and it can be helped
DO get a skilled social worker who knows how this works to aid in the formulation and implementation of a plan. Lawyers are often looking for a loophole or best outcome for a legal perspective, that’s their job, but that’s not the whole story. Drug use and willingness to take the risk of dealing has behavioral and psychological underpinnings that won’t be addressed by legal council.
What if the DA offers a deal to expose the org chart? DO NOT take this! Most college kids are very low level players in the grand scheme of things and their real value to a jurisdiction is what they know. While it might be enticing to quickly make the whole thing go away, exposing others is dangerous and not worth while. Tell the DA to forget it.
Do not “get them out of it”. Consequences are good but not inappropriate consequences that ruin lives.
Be honest about the situation. Drug policy regardless of if its at a community or individual level is only successful to the degree that we can be honest about it. Making excuses, minimizing, justifying won’t help the young person in the long run.
Find some empathy and compassion. We were all young once, we all made incredibly bad decisions and we all need help to negotiate the messes we create. Drug use and distribution shouldn’t mean ruined lives.

Brock Turner And The Culture Of Alcohol Field Rape

Culture of Alcohol Field Rape

Brock Turner and his parents have shown their cards. Their level of entitlement is staggering. They are the embodiment of modern parenting that treats children not as developing adults but as deified exotic pets whose main role and purpose is to provide fodder for bragging to peers.

Rehabs are full of these kids, inept and unable to function in a world that doesn’t treat them like their parents do. The “my kid can do no wrong” standard is harmful to human development. Reading the letters Brock Turner’s parents wrote to the judge it’s clear where he got the idea that the world is his to act on any impulse with impunity. My guess is these parents were holy terrors to faculty.

What if Brock got a “B”? My guess is the parents would demand the teacher be fired, after all, apparently his parents believe Brock can rape and he is the victim deserving of a standard they have set. Sadly, the judge agreed with this rank stupidity.

Brock Turner And College Rape Culture

One of the things that was blamed in this incident was the culture of binge drinking on college campuses. In a general sense, alcohol use does contribute to the issue of sexual assault. The literature is clear on this, less alcohol, less sexual assault, but that doesn’t address the entire problem. So what is the problem? Where does it start and what can be done?

With the Brock Turners of the world, the problem seems to start with the mini-van, juice box culture where children begin to internalize a belief that they are not beings among billions but that they are special, deserving of perfection and a pain free existence. The truth is, human development is like an immune system, without pain, we can not function and don’t build tolerance for what comes down the Jersey turnpike of life. Life is rife with a range of emotion, disappointment, sadness, frustration, grief and yes, happiness. Addicts believe they have the right to correct any feeling of which they do not approve. Whenever I get a young man as a client I ask them a very simple question “what do you want for your recovery?” Almost invariably they say “I want to be happy”. My reply “well, you’ll be happy some of the time but not always”, baffles them. They have no ability to even entertain the idea that that they are not entitled to unwavering happiness.

The binge drinking campus culture fuels all kinds of problems. We try to mitigate the whole issue by saying “don’t drink and drive”, sound advice to be sure but hardly addressing the range of what can go wrong when young people drink to the point of stupidity. Late adolescent behavior is risky in and of itself. Does it need help from demon alcohol to nurture risk?

Brock Turner upped the ante into something way beyond the typical campus sexual assault but is there more to it? I have heard many, many, tearful confessions from young men facing sexual assault charges. Are they pathological sexual predators? Maybe. Maybe they are young, dumb, drunk, filled with pressure to get laid and fit in with a lord of the flies fraternity house. Certainly this excuses nothing but it may explain some of the problem and understanding the problem is a step toward improving the problem.

Reframing Parenthood

Why are we shocked at the Brock Turners of the world? They are raised to believe they are chosen, special, and above consequence. Add alcohol and youth and you have a situation that produces low hanging fruit for all kinds of problems. The first step is reframing parenthood. Making ‘not having children’ an acceptable choice (most people shouldn’t be parents) would be a great start. Holding children accountable for their actions would also a great step. Educating young people about their sexuality as more than a chapter of the mechanics in a health text book. Teaching young men their dick is not a sword of imperialistic entitlement. Starting at a much, much, younger age, would help. I’m sure young women need a different approach to their sexuality but I have no capacity to advise that. All I would know to say is “honey, head up, skirt down, boys are filthy, find a nerd”.

The apple pie faced Brock Turner offers an opportunity to have a national dialogue about sexual assault on college campuses. Over simplifying the problem with “rape is bad” rhetoric is incomplete and will do little to reduce the number of these incidence. As always, the monopoly that alcohol enjoys on legal intoxication is a problem. Diversifying choice in the matter would help. While sexual assault spikes with alcohol, it declines with weed. We all like the idea of the young people in our lives using no intoxication but we also like the idea of all children having food.

As with most things in America we treat problems with Christian ethics and tell people not to do things. Sorry America, we need to be more honest and start looking at managed risk and harm reduction. Brock Turner got off far to easily for this egregious assault. In my view, his parents should serve time. Their crime? Complicit in their sons world view that would allow him to commit this act.

Originally published on EpicTimes.Com

Quitting Drinking Found to Extend Life and Ability to Dispense Unsolicited Advice

Quit Drinking

Success in AA Includes Ability to Dispense Advice to Virtually Everyone About Virtually Anything

AA is an organization that is riddled with holes and contradictions. It happens to work for me. The steps are something I found to be very useful as a focal point of effort and ideals for which to strive. The fellowship of mutual help and peers was critical to my success in sobriety. I am lucky. Very lucky. The first time I walked into an AA meeting and thought “these guys look like guys I could have known at USC” it was life altering, more than anything, it made being sober ok and as a young man, I needed that permission. That era of my life was fun. I had friends, we had a robust life exploring Manhattan in a pack with few limitations other than not getting drunk. While I have great gratitude for AA and the people who helped me, I understand it’s not a fit for everyone. What’s the big deal? Isn’t that why they make chocolate and vanilla?

For many, the AA experience can be misery. A lack of connection, not finding the right peers, it can feel like it’s little more than deprivation punctuated by really lousy coffee. This is the life for which I am supposed to stay sober? When I went to graduate school in a Midwestern land grant rural community, AA was a much different thing. Mostly older men, many were cold and unwelcoming to students, the access was restrictive. The mitigating factor was hardly the gossip about the price of corn. Had that been my introduction to AA, my story could have been dramatically different.

AA Slogans for Recovery

AA is nothing if not full of slogans, many that make no sense, some compounded with rhyme as an added layer of mystique and aggravation. Here is a list of some of the more blaring examples, along with the often forgotten component of their meaning.

“You’re as sick as your secrets”. Yet, you’re not supposed to tell anyone about AA, thereby being asked to be part of a secret society. Never mind that it’s not a secret, the pods of people smoking in front of a church is really the cat out of the bag.
“If you’re taking inventories, take yours”. Great advice, seldom heeded. There seems to be a caveat that if YOU were successful you have the right to critique others, endlessly as well as assume role of soothsayer, doctor, clergy and just about any other discipline one might need.
“We know but a little”. This is written in the AA big book but often cast aside for apparently knowing everything that people should do without knowing them.
“Live and let live” but first inform that by not living as we live, you will die. Live on!
“This is a selfish program”. Accurate to be sure. So selfish, in fact, it leaves no room for an individual to self determine.
“Be part of the solution, not the problem”. The problem is complex, deep, wide, and individual. Pontification that you have the solution is a big part of the problem. So be a part of our solution of which we approve or else you will die.
“E.G.O. Edging God out.” For a program that has a minimal requirement of a “desire to stop drinking”, there is an awful lot that must be believed. While the rhetoric is “you’re higher power could be the doorknob” the truth is, you will be an outsider, judged, subtly and not so subtly coerced, patronized and preached to if you in fact dismiss God to the level of a doorknob, never mind if you are a person of questing faith or no faith.
“Be nice to newcomers, one day they may be your sponsor”. Really? For an organization that is so invested in a hierarchy of time, deifying members for being around longer than others, this seems contradictory.
“An attitude of gratitude”. Yes. The rhyme. If ever there were a group of ungrateful people it’s in AA. Humans are not what we say, we are what we do. While other diseases have enjoyed the fruits of community organization and hard work, alcoholism hovers at the same dismal rates of recovery it has for generations. Grateful people work to help the process. Compare alcoholism to breast cancer: Research, walks, fundraisers, pink ribbons, MLB using pink bats to raise awareness and funds. Alcoholism, “hey man, I set up chairs at my meeting”.
“We’re not a glum lot”. Let’s see if this blog gets any eyeballs, then judge for yourself by the comments the level of “glum”.

AA is a great organization to be certain. It is part of Americana that has helped millions of families and individuals. What it isn’t is perfection and something for all who need to address their drinking issue. The truth is, most people “fail” in AA and that has a big by-product of shame. Alcoholism is a complex illness, and not everybody does well in AA, most don’t. I am unique in the AA world being both grateful to it and critical of it. My message is clear, AA works, if it works for you. I have clients who have done well with it and others who abhor it; both groups have achieved and maintained sobriety and both groups haven’t. As always, there are never easy answers. There is no wrong way to get or be sober, don’t let the fear of AA stop you from trying or exploring options.

Prince and the (Addiction) Revolution

Prince and Opiate Overdose After months of speculation, there was an official announcement made today. Prince died of an opiate overdose. Sad to be certain that a great talent and seemingly a great man was cut down at a relatively young age. To some, this is a character indictment. To me, this is the sad outcome of a deadly disease. My empathy is deep and wide for his family and fans. 114 other people died of an opiate overdose the same day Prince did. America’s fantasy of a “drug free America” is killing people. It is time to let science and medicine take the reigns and leave shame, judgement, and incarceration as a distant memory and a hard lesson learned.